Do over

Ok, well I just finished reading a friend's blog and decided to begin blogging again. I have been writing lots of notes on facebook and they're basically the same thing. I got back on and low and behold, it has almost been exactly a year since I blogged last.
I try so very hard to not be a perfectionist, because I don't have time to be. I will just quit blogging if I try and make it perfect, because it takes too long. I know I said it last year, but I am going to try again. Don't expect a pattern for a while, but hopefully one will develop.
Have you every really had a day that you wish you could do-over? Sure, but I mean, REALLY. You can't take stuff back, you can apologize, but it doesn't take it back. I once heard a story of (I'm sure I'll get this wrong, but you'll get the gist) a man and his son and this board with nails and holes. He told his son that the nails were things he'd done wrong. When he apologized, or asked for forgiveness, he would remove the nail, but the hole would remain. I think of this often when I say things that I shouldn't or when I get angry when I shouldn't and it sure weighs me down. I am glad for it, it a way, because hopefully I say/do fewer things that require me to put a nail in the wood.
Today I yelled at my son while helping him with his homework. It was simple and he is so smart and he was flicking at something on the table rather than listening to me after he asked me for help. Then when I asked him if he understood, he shook his head no. We had gone over and over it and I knew he just wasn't paying attention. I got so mad. I told him that I was mad because he had already made up his mind that he wasn't going to get it, but he wasn't even trying. We went back and forth and then he explained his understanding of the math homework, which was perfectly correct. I said, "See, you knew all along, you just had your mind made up that you weren't going to understand this!" We fight about homework nearly every time he has it. So a few minutes later I saw him write in a journal. He went outside and I ran to see what he'd written. He wrote...ok...crying here...'My mom hates me because of my homework.' Ok, I know kids can be dramatic, especially mine, but I remember how badly it hurt me when my mom was mad at me. I don't want that for my kid.
Believe it or not, my day went south from there. Greg got home and I yelled at him and left to the grocery store by myself so I could collect myself and get my head on straight. Then Greg called because Jake was crying. OMG. I was so upset. I can't even tell you when I'll get to sleep because I won't stop thinking about it. I know I put a nail in today and it's not gonna come out of the plank of wood cleanly. You see, this is the person I used to be on nearly a daily basis. This is the person most of you don't know lives in me. This is the person that God's grace covers up...most of the time.
I don't know, maybe He didn't cover me today so that I would remember where I came from and Who did it. It sure isn't me. I sure didn't change. He changed me and I am so thankful...and I sure hope he covers me back up tomorrow.
Both boys are in bed now, together, and believe it or not, the angry person inside sure wants to sleep on the couch, but it's the tiny voice that whispers, 'come to bed' that I will listen to.
So I have decided that I am using this blog to give testimony. I certainly will try not to withold even severly incriminating information about myself, obviously, to try and be as honest as I can. People don't see God illuminated in your life if they don't know how far He has brought you. So, I am so glad that He changed me before I became a mommy, because I have such a gentle, loving child. It makes me sick that he ever thinks that I think ill of him. It is so hard to understand as a child that your mom can be angry at your actions, but still love you completely. Ok. Well, I am thinking that this applies to adults, too, or we might just understand Jesus' depth of love for us.
I have spoken to and apologized to Jake, but I sure don't feel like it was enough. I will have to ponder the right words for a while. I have been really wanting to teach him more about Jesus' love in a way he could understand, maybe this is a good time.
Ok, I am sobbed out. Still sick to my stomach, but I am going to try and lay down for a while, I am cooking chicken and lentil soup for 5-7 tomorrow, so I have to try and rest.